I used to get sucked into the chaos and then anything I said or did was magnified. Right now we are working on trust, and honesty to build that trust. He took the message and never did that again. Hi Carol Welcome! He would have some way of getting them to do what he wanted and leading them to believe that they were his all time best friend. Its so hard to accept that it was no more than a performance. Ive had to allow my spouse to suffer the consequences of his behavior many many times and he continues to make the same ones over and over again. The only thing thats good about these types, is getting rid of them, knowing throughout their life, everyone else will dispise them too, sooner or later. They dont have to know the details but soak yourself in alot of love. Just incase you are still not clear why I am ending this relationship and you are feeling sorry for yourself let me show you why. #43 Dear Tanya, Im tired of it and have told him that this isnt working for mehes too irritated and frustrated with me so much of the time, and Im burnt out on the tension and the fighting. He is unwilling to change I have tried to work it our for my kids sake hes a good dad Just a lousy husband or even friend to me and I will be the bad guy if I divorce him because no one sees it or wants to. He calls it the 4 Ds of financial abuse: Debt: Every discussion about finances - no matter how mundane - becomes triggering and turns into a panic attack. Go figure) Well we have been arguing for months now about the fact that he wants to Do this together but he wont make any decisions as to the details of doing it together financially and we end up fighting every time we talk about it. For myself and my family, I divorced in 1983 without ever understanding about NPD. Im doing it with my friend of five years. I really am too frightened. 4. Even though he is so full of himself that he made the entire process as miserable as possible for himself and me. Try giving him the sort attention you crave. I cant redo what happened between us and he has no interest at all in making any changes in himself and obviously hes not interested in me anymore and Im wasting my time by trying. I think for my sanity I just cant talk to him anymore. My quandry now is the see saw that I am on with him, believe it or not he actually has admitted to me that he knows hes difficult to live with but then he goes back to being Dr. Jekyl this is causing such an absolute drainage on me sometimes I truly want to give-up. This creates an environment in which the narcissist is never held accountable and paves the way for the narcissist to escalate and become increasingly destructive. If you are trying to hold people accountable for what has happened in the past I would suggest thatinstead you make the decision to forget it. He is about to deploy and so we do need to discuss and make decisions on how we are going to handle things while he is gone but he wont make a decision and wants to fight instead so he can avoid the subject everytime. 1. Take care So unless youve got some ideas I dont know what to do except to talk to our doctor and see if they have any ideas that might help., I cant be late for work again and so I am sorry I cant drop you off today., I dont know how to handle you when you get so angry at me, and so from now on I am going to need to get someone who knows know how to handle angry people (the police?) He also sexually assaulted our 4 year old one night during a drunken binge and was arrested but got off on a technicality even though CPS said there was no doubt it happened and all of us are in counseling due to the additional verbal and psychological abuse. He doesnt qualify to ge a divorce. Leaving can set of behaviour you might not be expecting and it is best if you are prepared. I will do both. Remember if they do it once its happen again! Will he ever understand what he did was wrong? He may not be a gambler but your situation is similar. I have experienced all of the above, married to a Narcissist with appears Sociopathic & bipolar tendencies as well. You say your marriage cannot be annulled and your husband doesnt qualify for Divorce. 1. I do feel relief in at least knowing there is a reason why he does what he does, but how do I heal our relationship? Any hope of that happening? This is going to be quite interesting to get a hold of. When I found out and tried to explain to them that, that was not the case they would not renew our lease and we had 30 days to find a new home. My advice if you are in a relationship with a nar, get out and dont let them manipulate you back in. It would have saved me a lot of heartache and loss. She and I wound up as live ins with no sex several times but I was no more to her than a paycheck and servant to do all the things in he house she didnt want to do. You then threw in my face later Well I had to borrow the money from you so I could buy YOU and YOUR kids Christmas presents. The child is held accountable and encouraged to recognize and understand a feeling . When a narcissist with a fragile self-esteem is held accountable he breaks into a narcissistic rage. They say they are sensitive, but the behavoir is undermining and abusive and can rip a person to pieces, even if they keep their cool, underneath that one can see that they are seething, but they will never admitt it. It is true that our program means you have to do most of the work (in changing how you deal with their abuse) but I do believe that your partner can change as I have seen it in Steve and so many others now. How can you prevent this person raping you again? Get strong. Im not proud of it, but wanted to post in case this might resonate with others out there After truly saying goodbye the hero role, Narcissists dont hold the same interest anymore. I have to say after reading you article it does make perfect sense. Thank you so much for what you are doing, dont stop. he says I am paranoid and obsessisve and crazy and has no empathy for my feelings. 1)- i feel soo normal after reading all this knowing that there are other people like me, knowing why i have become a horrible woman who is vehemently cursing her husband and getting relief from it. Its hard to know the right steps to heal oneself and have taken many wrong turns in this regard. Year and half ago, started hearing voices, making outrageous claims, obsessed over me, needed wanted me, if I didnt give him attention it would be horrible on me. To say that it is difficult is an understatement but now that I have healed a little and am much stronger, I simply dont take his rubbish. Absolutely! I finally questioned it. I am very close to the point where I may sit him down and explain a few things about Daddy to him, that will help him learn to cope with his fathers behavior, and to help him see that it is not about HIMits Daddys problem. Otherwise be kind to yourself by forgiving them, but make sure you are prepared with better scripts next time. I have had yet another bereavement recently (my mother) i have had 3 in just under 3 years and have found it very difficult to flatline ie show no emotion ever in his precense. Your children should come first and if you have an N boyfriend you need to break up. Hes always telling me how to run my life, deal with my kids etc yet I cannot speak to him about any issues he has.Im supposed to be the good wife, just be there, just listen etc and if Im having a problem and hes got the time hes all ears and all opinions (un wanted opinions too) yet when he wants to hear none of it, he has too much on his mind already, he has no time for the crap he becomes hurtful and nastyhes like a jekyll and hydeloving and caring one minute dont bother me with this crap other timesI feel so confused and tired of walking on eggshells and I could write novels about all the different things he gets mad about but I am never ever to be upset with himhe always has a way to defend his actions or justify themHe should have been a lawyer. It will teach you step by step how to stop him turning this around on you. In. Hi Elaine and welcome (-: Stepping out of the way of the consequences you describe would mean having him charged and put in jail for his assaults on you. Be strong and dont give up or give in. And me in my unrequited love stage and I am married to someone else.Long story and my wife knows about our relationship. (We were married for seven years and have been divorced for 1 1/2 years now.) Perhaps hes just a 2 on the scale of 1-4, but hes still a 2, and it still is very difficult to live with. Who should be the person who deals out his consequences? This is exactly why you need to step out of the way and let other professionals such as your doctor or the police deal with him. I also know I hang onto him, at least by calling his answering machine almost every night once or twice because when I hear his voice mail greeting, I remember the good times between us, which were years ago and I dont have any replacements. Most of our issues now revolve around money. Narcissists: The Master Manipulators As many people have pointed out here, I try to reason with someone who seems to have the emotional and rational capability of an eight year old. And do narcissists project more than the average bear? He resented me for ever requesting counseling or that I expected him to continue to keep his word. Just last night he tried to manipulate me again into lending him more money by setting the stage thru being super sweet cooking and cleaning and then bamm, here he goes again. And after all that effort, it still isnt a relationship anyway! After numerous requests for cooperation (5 years), (met with abject denials) I eventually went to my boss and asked that I deal with her through emails. Creating Word Salad Conflicts. So nice to get your response and timely! When he gets mad about you making the police report you need to be ready to say calmly that he did thousands of dollars damage to your car and so of course you needed to report it to make an insurance claim. I wish my thinking was as clear as yours, but its not. Hi DA, Sorry this post has been so popular I havent had time to respond to everyone. Although it was his decision, not mine, he recently said that he felt abandoned by me before he abandoned me. Really tough though. My guy and I are apart a lot of the time but he still managed to be emotionally and mentally abusive to me after the honeymoon period of our relationship ended. Perhaps your local mental health team? But Id love to hear him say he wanted to work on it again. If your narcissistic friend is supposed to have lunch with you, invite a few other friends without telling her. Holding accountable? I am committed to make my marriage work! Making a narcissist accountable can result in them putting more effort into protecting themselves at the cost of everyone around them. I am sure I forgot somethings if there is any doubt in your mind while I am ending this, read this again until you get it. I have the same exact issue with my husband constantly slamming his opinions in my face, telling me how things should be done, basically voicing what he wants and how he wants, yet as soon as I voice my thoughts, if inconsistent with his, he immediately shuts me up however he can, speaking over me, etc. I dont want to lose him. You told me you did not have your car because your brother needed it for work and could not rent a car because you had no credit card. During one of these times, she may lose her life. That might not sound like much to some people for us we were lucky to go 5 days without something happening. So developmentally I have to bring the cookie jar down and allow him to explore the answer. So many times he had me convenced that I am the crazy one, when contridicting himself, lying, when all the while the intuition told me, I should trust my instincts to believe him, so I blindly trusted him to find out I was lied to over and over again. I will not protect him from repercussions of hurtful, moral wrongs, and what society accepts as odd behavior. My heart breaks wide-open again because I am not sure what he is trying! I am so glad to know about it! I texted him saying I wanted to thank him for the wonderful time I had but being rushed out of the house was not acceptable. To all those good people out there, keep looking for the help you need, get a good support team around you and as my brother says to me, Take a cement pill and harden up He wasnt being unkind, just realistic. he of course was perfect and still is. One thing I know is that until it hurts them more to be the way they are then to change, nothing, I mean nothing will change them. Harsh, but true. )0: he is travelling so often, it is always possible to lead me on! These people arent logical. Frequently they resort to name calling and belittling to assert dominance over the other person. For all this time I have been working on myself, attending classes through the church (designed for couples, but they are letting me go by myself)and I (unlike him) remember the good timeshe COULD be really, really sweetand my soul still loves him (its the only way I know how to describe it as it takes me out of the very human/ego part of me that is pissed as hell at the childish, immoral behavior)..it also lets me not put the blame on myself (which I bought into, and still do some days, like today). I am so relieved to read LadyJanes post (response no. Keep in mind that you earn more than I do and that I am raising two children. Women, for instance, go back to their abuser an average of seven times, even if she was the one who initiated the termination. The narcissist needs for you to fight back because then you are the one who lost control. 5 Stay calm when they try to upset you. Then I will return to my friend and find a little bit more have changed since the last time and I pray alot too. I will be fine. I managed to get my ground back in some important ways. Also I cant go to his employeer, we are not married. But she always thought I was better than her. Ive now found myself again, and this website. There is no love in the world worth what a borderline narcissist is willing to do to not be healthy and to take you down with them. Pain can result in a person becoming angry or irrational and acting out. I had no life it was controlled and taken over by him. i wish I could at least get him to discuss the fact that he is a Narc but Im willing ot stay help him through it. : ) Stay strong my friends. He argued beyond belief, way past any reasonable amount of time to state a point. He has been a major womanizer and into porno all my married life. If you still love him well then give him a chance but you also need to make sure you have rock solid boundaries in place including your money and your time. If you want to forge a new path you must vow not to get stuck in those endless hours anymore. If you try to hold the narcissist to account for something they've done, they will totally stonewall you as punishment for having the audacity to point out such a flaw. I saw that and I used that knowledge to my advantage. He even said I love you so muchwhat? It used to be about 70%, and in the remaining 30% he would seem normal and nice. Don't fall for the temptation to sink to their level. Hi Michelle, I cannot urge you strongly enough to purchase Back From the Looking Glass. Yet, I still call his answering machine and leave a message or two most nights. It took me awhile to recover but the next time he begin, I immediately put him in his place and each time he tried to come out, I put him in his place again. He owes me money and keeps asking for more. Now that I decided that I want him in my life . That money was for her college fund. I feel trapped! I dont see any additional archives. I have no problem supporting him to a degree that is part of a partnership but it has been VERY one sided. If the man really almost kills you, than leaving is probably the best thing. They want you to become irrational to have an excuse for their behavior. I dont know how to sort out our finances and I cant see where our money is going and so I have opened a separate bank account and hired an accountant to come in and see if they can sort out the mess., I am worried about you, but I dont know how to help you (with your porn addiction) and I am scared that it is hurting our sex life and putting our marriage at risk. Catherine, Just reading all these responses it seems most of the sufferers of this kind of narcissistic abuse are females, and that most abusive narcissists are males; although Im sure there must also be male sufferers of female Ns too.. Simply put, for me.. sacrificing my life for a never ending torturous journey for no gain became an insane choice. Hoping they will help me deal with the overpowering emotions that arise if theres any contact/attempted communication with him. Things crumbled he was a extremely paranoid, trusted no one, every body out to get him, stealing from him.became unemployed depressed and isolated him self. Til death do us part. I loved him so much and I am still involved with him to an extent as we share property and pets. Thanks Kim I understand you dont have alot of info to work with. Its always something new to the list of bad things he does daily. He couldnt see any connection to his actions and thought that I was arbitrary and unfair. I have been married to him only for 3 months but this revelation to me is scary, uplifting, and also confusing. Is it worth making then accountable for that? I pray my own daughter never marry a man like. I am so sorry to hear this Aspen, This is why we put so much stress on you being calm and very careful in how you approach the police. My friends would even try to be her friend instead of mine ones they had met her. And this already had effects. It is very important if a partner of someone with NPD decides to leave that they already have a very good plan and have already established effective strategies to de escalate and manage the conflict. I use to think it was all me, if only I would change, and of course he helped by saying I was right. Someone experiencing narcissistic rage may feel that someone else or an event in their life is threatening or may injure their self-esteem or self-worth. Why do i hurt for him so much when i know it will not change and he has moved on. I found that out the hard way after yrs 1. Everything that goes wrong is always someone elses fault and no matter how logical you are, they will continue to twist and turn their way out of the argument, even if they have to swear the sky is green. He told me yesterday that he was changing phone carriers because the sales agent hung up the phone on him and he thought that was rude. I would encourage you to read all you can get your hands on from Kim and Steve. 2. How do you find the energy to do this? One of the most effective ways to induce a reverse discard is by using what is known . What do you guys/girls think? Sometimes, the best way to hold a narcissist accountable is to take the proverbial bull by the horns and directly, and (unwaveringly) address their behavior. After twenty-eight years of this, I feel used up and find it difficult to persevere. You have given so much to him you have to give back to yourself now so you can heal. and managed to touch the place that connected us, he could see his roll in our relationship, apologize for what happened and be accountable. Write in a journal, do something good for yourself. I couldnt live the lie and we divorced. That pain and confusion is enough to drive a person to behave in a way as to not recognize oneself. At this point though I would like to create a boundary and consequences for his going for drinks afterwards at a very late hour which I find inappropriate and creates a cycle of sleep deprivation and more NPD actions for long periods of time. His entire lifes circumstance from living with his mother in the islands to now living with his father in NZ is everyone elses fault due to their crazy/controlling/manipulative behaviour and his unlucky breaks due to.insert martyr action of his here. I think that is why i am attracted to these kind of people. Your suggestions would probably work with those who have narcissistic tendencies but not people who have malignant narcissism which is a very rare condition. However, he continued to push and push to see if I would break.trying to get me to act as immature as he wouldso he wouldnt feel inferior.or at least cause me pain to ease his own. Ive realized the times he/we are in therapy he is good but when the therapy is over it isnt long before he reverts back to his passive aggressive and non-relational ways. The guy Im living with even wrote 2 books and the first one he is actually describing the messiah (him). Please! We have bitter fights about the importance of money in a married relationship. _ I find that most people suffering from codependence are Chronically ill. Hi my friend is the love if my life,but i know without a doubt that he is nsrcussistu. I dont think the answer to the question of rape is simple. Ongoing hostile silence that never ends. When I noticed them missing and asked you, you lied at first and then came to me later to tell me what you did. Slavery works like that; not freedom. They will say that you are the angry one and that you need help,and walk away full of selfrighteousness. Every couple of weeks to every few months of our whole relationship he has threatened to divorce me, but I finally decided to stop fighting it and to stop begging for forgiveness for all of the things that offend him. of stress and terrors..overlooking tolerating praying about (God will not do for us what he equipped us to do for ourself) and my having temper storms at him. With two dogs and two horses, close to your job and being able to leave my kids in the same school since my daughter had moved schools twice already and my son was in high school and had just moved back. I dont want to possess him or be obsessed with him. I have just learned in the past few months about these disorders. He doesnt seem to be taking me seriously. Yet he is exhausted because of them. 12) While driving the old car you locked yourself out one day and violently damaged the car trying to break into it causing hundreds of dollars of damage, instead of calling me to give you a spare key or calling a locksmith. 1 Be unpredictable. I cant thank you enough for all you do. I can be just who I plan to be. I tried techniques to try and hold him accountable for his actions sadly your article has come too late cos he stormed off again the other day. What he said was I love you but I cant live with you. He was right. I was devastated, but I was willing to work. The problem is that with the upcoming deployment time is very limited and decisions have to be made. We have to stop becoming fuel for these types of people. True, it is impossible without Gods help and others support! This is an interesting topic. They can tell you anything to make you feel sorry for them, sometimes when they do get it, they even apologize: but, so soon they repeat, rendering the apology useless. Hi. I now remove myself from bad behaviour , when possible. To find out that who you thought was your partner actually had no interest or ability to play that role. For years I thought eventually hed come back into my life. I say, no you are not going to change this. Please dont ever stop! Just call me the narcissist repellent 6 mo They respond VIOLENTLY. For me with my man, well, ill try and see if this could become better. It is a relief to find this page. How to hold a Narcissist accountable..Holding a Narcissist accountable requires having some type of leverage against them. There is huge part of me that feels very used, as if we were just this family he created out of loneliness until something better came along, and now that he is on his way out, he has no concern at all for the pain that created for all of us. I dont know what else to do. My friend (who once was my lover) always blames me when we fight and then breaks it off for awhile. Trying to hide the truth, trying to avoid real intimacy? So many of you sound as if youre writing about my husband. We had a one year long distance relationship after living together for two years and I didnt even get a phone call when we had a family bereavement. My phone broken, the destruction on my car, my stolen pics, do I just have to let go. I have said this before but setting a boundary with a promise is like thinking you have built a fence by drawing a line and asking your horses not to cross it. I didnt have a name for it until a few months ago I just called it The Wall. Steve only changed because I basically made his former way of life completely unmanageable for him at the same time as giving him a better option. How much pain! And unfortunately, the source has no idea why it loses statusand thats why it hurts so damned much. Im a survivor. Hi Kim, I have come across this Blog today, and I can relate to so, so much. I dont know how to get passed this hurdle, but I am willing to try because deep down, I believe he is a good man. -but the most disgusting Thing he has made up is to lie about is that I was sexually abused by adult family member as a child and he sometimes says Im still being sexual abused/raped??!!?!!? I do know he does not have credit cards because he just filed bankruptcy. I think mentally healthy people are able to give some space and be tolerant of a partner who is not a carbon copy of themselves and therefore will differ on questions of tidiness, importance of money and life goals. Ive been married 6 yrs but only been going thru this for about 2 yrs. Steve agreed to put software on his computer so that I could see all that he was up to and maybe you can ask if he will offer to do that too? The thing is whenever he performs one of his roles, I tell him that isnt the person I want. I dont allow myself to be in the position of bad guy these days. They avoid spending time with you, especially in public. The saddest part is to deal with our son who copies his father, takes no responsibilty for his own behaviour and impossible to reason with most of the time. According to him, I must have been lying to the government and immigration, and even in court called me a bitch. Its not a break up. I immediately confronted that thought. Actually I feel freed by the decision to leave him for the first time in over three years I feel like I have part of my strength back. They cannot put themselves into your shoes and feel or understand. I have been married to my N wife for 16 years. I am an Australian living in the UK and am a single parent with an 11 year old daughter. (first disbelief, then unreal grief, then disbelief, grief, etc etc) Rather stuck in a cycle of griefIt doesnt seem like anyone could fake love as good as thatand yet, it isnt the kind of love one would want or expect from a husband, or at least he is unwilling (unable) to do that now! If anyone knows what resources will be of help to me, please let me know. Nor did getting a councilor and mental health services involved. Feels good that no one is blaming me for his faults anymore. I want to make the right move at this critical point in our relationship. Thanks to all of you as well. Narcissism is very hard to diagnose - even by experts. Kim reading over all the others complaints only reinforces these type of people do the same thing over and over. 12 Ways to Break a Narcissist's Heart 1 Ignore their forms of manipulation. This method of dealing with it is the only one that has any positive results. No sleep and he would keep me awake I feared sleep for a year because as soon I fell a sleep he was gonna wake me either to be sweet or to fight. These consist of circular conversations, arguments, projection, and gaslighting to disorient you and get you off track. And I am practicing to manage my own defence. Hes so consumed in his own feelings he actually believes that I hurt him and he is suffering more than I could know, which gives him license to be mean(er). Narcissists move on to distract themselves, prey on a new source of attention, or punish you. He broke up with her and I am so glad but she wont move on. How does one stay true themselves, their daughter and the man they love, while N is determined to destroy the love of a family he so wanted and created, without hurting everyone, and still finding a way to mend what is so very broken? Furthermore, none of the three quotes you suggested would actually /work/. What there is is putdowns, anger, blaming, no empathy, selfishness, baiting me to get me drawn into arguments, and lack of accountability in the small things in life such as chores or simply doing what he has said he will do in a million small ways. I agree that at some point when theres no change, you cannot continue. regards Ive been involved with a total narcissist. Hi Hannah, Yes you are right it will not heal itself. He doesnt want to decide because then he has to be accountable I know that much. Tanya and Genelle, My story is the same too :/. And of course its all my fault! Though I have not seen much online regarding this, I wonder if their bond with children is because these men are also very delicate and child likethat they dont understand their own emotions, and have no self reflection. I know he will never be ok and get past this but I can daily handle all his misbehaviors. I got upset about this, and he doesnt see that he did anything wrong because hes single and can do what he wants.He says I need therapy because I react to what I perceive to be his lack of respect in an angry way. When I ask him about his resistance he replies that hes he scared. - Listen to How to hold a Narcissist accountable..Holding a Narcissist accountable requires having some type of leverage against them by The Narcissists' Code instantly on your tablet, phone or .